Well, it’s been a couple of years. People say that everything happens for a reason, and I guess they’re right- terrible anxiety and depression can make someone stay in an unhealthy relationship because you don’t see a way out or you don’t think that you deserve better. I’ve written posts only to delete them because I needed time for clarity.
Adam is damaged. He was hurt by his family. He was also selfish. He led me to believe that he loved me. He hugged me all the time, and we did things together like a couple. He would hold my hand, kiss me, and be loving at home and in public until someone was looking. Then he’d back away and sometimes walk away from me altogether. He was also molested by his father and chalked his inability to cope with physical intimacy on that, and he said that he was attending therapy regularly. This was not true. Through our entire “relationship” I was trying so hard to be what he wanted that I lost sight of what I want in life. I want a happy home and to help people. Those have always been my priories. I’m not materialist. I understand that it’s going to be okay if the water boils over on the stove. I understand that not everything has to be so clean you can eat off of the floor. Anyway, we had very different priorities in life.
After we “broke up” in December of 2016, I started dating other people and realized how far down I had gotten. I was changing my eating habits to hide my food choices because he was critical of them. Of course that didn’t help because then I was binge eating and gaining even more weight. He had always been critical of my weight. One time I got brave and decided to try to initiate something sexual, and he laughed at me and said “you’re beautiful, but you’re not attractive to me”. More to come about that later.
I say “broke up” because he told his family at their Christmas dinner loud enough for everyone to hear that I was NOT his girlfriend, and he would NEVER be with someone like me. That was obviously devastating. So when we got into the car to go home, I asked if that was true, he confirmed that is the way he felt. He said that he loved me, but he was not in love with me. He also didn’t want for me to move out, since I already had my own room it was easy enough to stay.
In April of 2017 I went to visit one of my friends who lives outside of Washington DC. I had a fantastic time. We went out for my birthday, and had some long talks about why I was letting myself be treated so poorly. So in May, I moved to Maryland. I stayed till December. I got the perspective on my failed “not” relationship with Adam. I came back home to my job in Knoxville, and moved in with my parents to help them and to save up for my own space again.
Everything was going okay. I had let Adam know that I would be back in town to avoid the awkward run-in that would inevitably happen, and we had chatted a little bit. Then it snowed. He wanted me to come stay with him because he lived closer than my parents and he had an extra room (and my bed was still there). So I went. We slept together. We didn’t have any sexual contact, but we slept together, which is something that we had never done before. We had some deep and intimate conversations. He came out to me. It hurt that he had kept it from me for so long, and I felt great empathy for the man that I had loved so much. I thought that we could be friends once this happened, but just like everything else I had perceived, this was not true.
I saw Adam twice before he didn’t want to see me anymore. He still said that I could text him any time I wanted, but that’s not what I wanted. He moved back to Kentucky a few months ago, which has been a blessing. What has not been easy to swallow is that I STILL fucking worry about his mental health and what he does to other people. He told me he is gay, breaking down crying about it. Then I texted him on his birthday to tell him happy birthday and he tells me that he’s dating a woman. Well, he actually called her a girl, but I digress. That hurt my heart. I took it personally, but then I realized that he has to make his own choices. I really want him to be happy, and as far away from me as possible.